I cried today; it’s not even 8:30 and I’ve already cried. I’m not telling you this to make you feel bad for me because I know my life is good. I know I’m not the only pregnant woman struggling to raise a strong-willed child but I’m tired from intermittent sleep, growing a baby, and I am constantly questioning wheither I’m doing it right. I’m comforted by my son who stops jumping on my freshly made bed, puts his hand on my cheek and says, “you okay mom?” The reason why some days are so hard is that my child is my life; he’s a huge part of me and I want more than anything for him to know that he is loved just as he is.
These days are shaping me not only into the mother I want to be but the person I want to be. My first thought of the day is no longer “do I hit snooze?”, it’s always a thought surrounding my baby and his well-being. My coffee table is not artfully curated but cluttered with toys and books and childhood nicknacks. My home is a constant todo list that seems to never get fully accomplished, but in the words of my own mother…”I’d rather have a messy house and time with my children.” The truth is having children make me wild and free; saying that sounds like an oxymoron because raising children requires radical lifestyle tweaking. What I mean is that my child makes me free to think less of myself, look deeper at the world around me, and love more than I ever thought possible. He makes me wild in the sense he can access my emotions like he’s attached to my limbic system. I will bock like a chicken to elicit a smile and dance a jig to make my son laugh. Even in the womb this new little one has changed not only my body chemistry but the idea of who I am and how my future will unfold.
When Waylon was born I started using the hashtag #adventureswithwaylon simply because it sounded good; little did I know how much it would resemble my new life as a mama. Everyday is an adventure with my boy whether we are counting the airplanes in the sky, digging holes at the beach or saying hello to everyone in Target. The adventure for me is seeing him grow, seeing what excites him, and seeing myself change into the mama he needs.
When I imagine my life as a mother of two there is excitement and a little fear. I can’t wait to wear a baby close to my heart again, and meet this new life that was always supposed to be here. The fears are the same typical “what-ifs” but I’m learning to replace them with faith and acceptance. It’s hard to imagine I can love another child as much as my son but feeling the bond we have now….there is only one answer; I will love this new child more than my own life. A mother’s love is the most natural thing that has ever occurred in me.