Anxiety and I have become friends in the last month… strange I know but I’m done denying her presence in my life and I’m done trying to protect myself from fear, pain, and even joy. I never had anxiety before becoming a mother… depression yes I dealt with my share of depression, but it was something that would come and go so I managed it well. The anxiety that came with motherhood, now that was a beast I couldn’t control…like the pun ha ha? Anxiety is all about control and for me it was about controlling my children’s safety, health, and making sure they lived and that I did too.
In therapy we ask clients this question all the time: “when do you think the symptoms started?” I can pin-point my anxiety back to when I was pregnant with my first child and was rushed to the hospital at 29 weeks with a placenta abruption. I distinctly remember laying in the ER thinking, ” I could lose my baby”…that thought freaked me out. The only lives I worried about losing before this moment were close family and friends. Losing my baby was a whole new fear that rocked me to the core. I had entered an entirely new arena and the stakes felt much higher. For the next 2 months I rested on the couch and at 36 weeks I eventually gave birth to a healthy baby Waylon boy.
Flash forward 20 months and that baby was sprinting down the halls. No really he was, Waylon was and still is the fasted kid I know. At 20 months old Waylon ran away from me at church and somehow locked himself in a closet and was nowhere to be found for 20 minutes. Long story short, someone thought they saw a man take him so the police were called and for 10 minutes I lived through the worst hell I’ve ever known. When we found him I was a blubbering mess but I was so grateful that the outcome to this event was one where I got my child back. I went straight home from church and had a beer for lunch; it was the only thing that seemed appealing with my battle-shocked nerves. At the time I didn’t know how much this event would effect me, but it became a major trauma marker in my life. For a while I almost felt like I couldn’t call it a trauma because my story has a happy ending but my body told me otherwise. My mind, body, and soul told me that I went to war and came back denying it all happened.
In the time since this trauma I developed fears of many kinds from flying to car crashes to dying of cancer at an early age. It’s not a coincidence that fear and anxiety made a permanent place in my heart, that’s what happens when unnamed trauma takes the wheel and starts to drive. I had turned into a woman, wife and mother that I did not want to be. My fear didn’t stop me from doing the things I love because I’m just too stubborn for that, but I was white-knuckling life and all it’s experiences. I saw anxiety stealing my joy…anxiety would even tell me nasty things when I was joyful like “you better not get too happy because something bad is just around the corner.” That is no way to live my friends and I knew it.
For some reason being anxious made me feel like I had some sort of control while feeling out of control at the same time…so weird but true. I made a choice to drive into the discomfort of it all and figure out why I was holding onto anxiety and eventually how I can live with her but not let her drive.
Come back next week for how I started to explore my heart and anxiety.
On me: Marigold Crop Top by Shopvivi24 (use code: CHRISSYP20 for 20% off )// Skirt: Free People // Sandals: Madewell // Necklace: Natalie Borton (use code Chrissy10 for 10% off )
SaveSaveSaveSave
6 Responses
wow, thank you for sharing, lately I’ve been battling with the same thoughts and fears. I know to not let it get the best of me but it’s hard when i think of so many bad things that can happen and then negative thoughts take over my life. I’m 30, no kids but I get scared when I think of having kids and the responsibilities that come with it. Every time I see you, balance kids and life with such positivity, and see you embrace your flaws is inspiring. I’m like wow…I wanna be that kind of person and mom. , I would never think you deal with anxiety and depression… I look forward to reading more.
You are so beautiful and when you told the story about Waylon on your guest podcast it made be well up (and is doing the same again). I can’t imagine the rollercoaster of emotions you felt that day and it makes sense that it had a deeper effect than you realized at the time. Anxiety is incredibly crippling at times and I’m so proud of you for working through it and sharing it here. Big hug to you mama!
Seriously, thank you for sharing this! I recently came to terms that I am suffering from “mom anxiety” also after a health scare with my toddler so I feel the same concerns about keeping everyone healthy & safe now. Looking forward to part two! And loving these photos 🙂
Anxiety has been a new struggle for me, and it’s something I’ve avoided seeking help on because I thought I could just “stop worrying”. I haven’t known where to begin, but your posts have given me some hope and clarity. Thank you for the real-talk and thank you for your vulnerability.
Oh I’m right there with you Sierra. I’m so glad this inspired you to get help. You can’t do it alone and honestly you don’t want to. Life is so much better done in community and with counselors when needed! Thanks so much for sharing.
Thank you for your sharing. I am worried that I lack creative ideas. It is your article that makes me full of hope. Thank you. But, I have a question, can you help me? https://www.binance.info/en/register-person?ref=JHQQKNKN